Takamagahara Texts
by UnoriginalPrankster
Summary: Those moments Takamagahara wished never happened. Thank God for Phenomena Intervention...
1. Chapter 1

All characters are property of ASW. Based on the tumblr site of the same name. I have no links whatsoever to the actual TT.

Some is entirely original material. Some taken verbatim or based on quotes from other media (no prizes for spotting which).

* * *

Ragna vs Crazy Jin

Ragna: "If you settle my debts, I might, MIGHT, consider having sex with you...but probably not."

* * *

Carl and Smiling Relius vs Defeated Makoto

Carl: "But he's my dad! We do everything together!"

* * *

Smiling Relius vs Defeated Carl

Relius: "Son, I am disappoint."

(Sorry. Couldn't resist)

* * *

Smiling Jin and Hakumen vs Smiling Tsubaki and Smiling Izayoi

Jin: "Who knew dressing up as superheroes would do so much for your love life?"

* * *

Happy Tsubaki vs Jin and Hakumen

Tsu: "If I marry two versions of the same man, is that still bigamy?"

* * *

Battle Stance Hazama vs Defeated Relius

Hazama's: "Yeah, I think we can safely say my snake is bigger than yours."

* * *

Nine vs Radio Terumi, Trinity in background

Nine: "Now if you'll excuse me, Trinity keeps insisting she's just figured out the tune to Funky Town."

* * *

Angry Jubei vs Terumi

Jubei: "For the last time, I AM NOT GRUMPY CAT!"

* * *

Hype Doge: "much astral. so distortion. many overdrive. wow."

* * *

Battle Stance Tsubaki vs Battle Stance Noel

Tsu: "And to think, in the first draft, I used to fancy you!"

Noel: "I think you still do...'

* * *

Mai vs Kajun

Mai: "So I answered the door to the Jehovah's witnesses; I told them I was trans. They left pretty quickly."

Kajun: "I did something similar once; I told them I had Leprosy. They ran away screaming."

* * *

Hakumen, Jubei and Valkenhayn vs Terumi

Hakumen: And now our next career move; A Barbershop Quartet!

* * *

Drunk Jin and Shocked Makoto vs Hazama and Imperator

Jin: Hash anyone sheen my pantsh? Can't see Imperator without pantsh.

* * *

School Makoto vs Embarrassed School Tsubaki and Embarrassed School Noel

Makoto: "When I touch you, I think about myself...no wait."


	2. Chapter 2

Terumi vs Nine and Jubei

Terumi: "Okay, I know I probably had it coming, but seriously!? Animal mating calls!? That's a new low even for you!"

* * *

1) Happy Rachel vs Happy Valkenhayn

Rachel: "Fetch!"

2) Hakumen vs Angry Valkenhayn

Hakumen: "Fetch!"

* * *

Happy Mu vs Happy Noel

Mu: "If you're seeing me when you look in a mirror, you should probably go see a doctor. You're clearly not well."

* * *

Angry Tsubaki vs Ragna, Jin & Noel

Tsubaki: "Trust me when I say this; Incest is NEVER a good idea."

* * *

1) Lambda vs Noel, Mu and Nu

Lambda: "Okay, which of you three put the Super Hot Chillis in my omelette?"

2) Lambda vs Grinning Nu, Happy Mu and Shocked Noel

Nu & Mu: "She did!"

* * *

Miffed Makoto vs Dr Litchi

Makoto: "Give it to me straight Doc; is it supposed to look like Cream Cheese?

* * *

Celica vs Ragna

Celica: "I bet a friend I can get you to say three words to me tonight."

Ragna: "You lose."

* * *

Happy Jin vs Hibiki & Defeated Kagura

Jin: "Wrote in your diary. '10am. See how I look in tights'."

* * *

Relius vs Terumi

Relius: "Rachel's dead. Just thought you'd want to know."

Terumi: "How can they tell?

* * *

"Taokaka vs Platinum, Carl and Bang

Taokaka: "Just finished my run on a meowsical."

Platinum: "Yeah, we were there. You sang 'Memory'. And now we all wish we could forget..."

* * *

Izanami vs Hazama, Relius and Phantom

Izanami: "Repeat after me. 'We are all individuals!""

* * *

Jin vs Hazama

Jin: "You are many things. 'Employee Of The Month' is not one of them."

* * *

Makoto vs Shocked Tsubaki & Shocked Noel

Makoto: "Girl! I wanna take you to a gay bar!"

* * *

Angry Nine & Trinity vs Happy Terumi

Nine: "Good god! What the hell did you season that chilli with?"

Terumi: "Pepper Spray."

* * *

Happy Embarrassed Schoolgirl Tsubaki & HES Noel vs Schoolgirl Makoto

Makoto: "While I'm real happy for you two, please could you film it for me next time?"

Makoto: "Or at least let me watch."


	3. Chapter 3

Defeated Hazama vs Happy Terumi

Terumi: "Look, we just touch, then we will be one...we'll be me for convenience's sake."

* * *

Happy Mu vs Nerdgasm Makoto

Mu: "I'm every man's favourite superheroine, Girl-On Girl!"

* * *

Angry Ragna and Angry Tsubaki vs Miffed Noel

Noel: "It's obvious that all this trying to kill each other is just to disguise the fact that you two are absolutely crazy about each other. Seriously, get a room."

* * *

Kokonoe vs Hazama

You've clearly never heard of the term 'Restraining Order'.

* * *

1) Arakune

Arakune: "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away..."

2) Battle Stance Arakune vs Celica

Arakune: "RUN AWAAAAAAAY!"

* * *

Ltchi & Linhua vs Bang

Litchi: "Oh dear, it looks like we really do have to put our faith in Blast Hardcheese..."

* * *

Defeated Hakumen vs Happy Tsubaki

Hakumen: "Looooooovin' youuuuuuuuu is easy coz you're beautiful."

* * *

Shocked Ragna & Happy Nu vs Angry Izayoi and Jin

Nu: "Just to settle this once and for all, we're going to have a Yandere-off!"

* * *

Ragna vs Hazama

Ragna: "An arch mediocrity! Lording it over a group of mediocrities!"

Hazama: "He's a self made man, and worships his creator."

* * *

Ragna vs Happy Nu

Nu: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison, honeybuns!"

Ragna: "If you were my wife I'd take it!"

* * *

Kokonoe & Defeated Carl vs Relius

Kokonoe: "Due to your recent conviction, we're hereby stripping you of your 'Father Of The Year' award. Your 'World's Best Dad' mug is being confiscated too."

* * *

Defeated Kagura vs Hibiki

Kagura: "And she said if I try that one more time, she'll castrate me!"

Hibiki: "I assume she's aware there _is_ a queue..."


	4. Chapter 4

Schoolgirls Makoto Tsubaki and Noel vs Mai and Kajun

Makoto: "Ragna The Bloodedge: Shag, Marry or Kiill?"

* * *

Defeated Ragna vs Hazama

Hazama: "Sorry, but I can't see a belt without hitting below it..."

* * *

1) Ragna vs Rachel

Rachel: "Ragna, you're drunk!"

2) Happy Ragna vs Angry Rachel

Ragna: "Rachel, you're ugly! In the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly!"

(Thanks Winston Churchill)

* * *

Hibiki vs Defeated Kagura

Kagura: "These leather pants are a real _tight fit._ It's cutting off my circulation!"

Hibiki: "And that's why the loins sleep tonight..."

* * *

Happy Lambda vs Mu, Shocked Noel and Shocked Ragna

Lambd: "And now, my thought for the day: EXTERMINAAAAAAAATE!"

* * *

1) Happy Noel, Happy Tsubaki & Happy Makoto

Noel:: "I believe fervently in the European ideal. That we stand stronger together and we shall forge a bright future of prosperity and equality for-"

2) Angry Noel, Angry Tsubaki & Angry Makoto vs Happy Hazama

Hazama: "I voted Brexit, bitches!"

* * *

1) Hbiki vs Smiling Kagura

Hibiki: "It continues; "If you attempt to approach my client at St Dymphna's Sanatorium, the security staff are under instructions to shoot you on sight..."

2) Hibiki vs Shocked Kagura

Hibiki: "...Please also find attached a copy of the warrant for your arrest"."

* * *

Happy Izanami: "I AM THE RESURRECTION AND I AM THE LIFE!"

* * *

Imouto vs Watashi

Watashi: "I told you not to eat the yellow snow!"

* * *

1) Happy Trinity

Trinity: "I am Princess Toadstool! Ruler of The Shroom Kingdom!"

2) Angry Nine w/ Background Trinity

Nine: "Okay! Who left the storeroom unlocked? Come on! One of you own up! Trinity's gotten wasted! Again!"

* * *

Es vs Touya

Es: "Something of greater cosmic importance than Pudding? You speak Blasphemy!"

* * *

Happy Ragna vs Angry Radio Terumi

Ragna: "I just called! To say! I love you!"


	5. Chapter 5

Happy Trollzama vs Happy Relius & Angry Izanami

Hazama: "And in further news, shots were fired at the Imperator this morning. I know; I fired them."

* * *

Angry Terumi vs Everyone else in Battle Stance

Ragna: "Yeah, I think that this time we can safely say that you're completely screwed!"

* * *

Jin & Tsubaki vs Noel & Makoto

Tsubaki: "His penis is like an anaesthetic jab; one prick and I'm numb for hours."

* * *

Defeated Hazama vs Angry Mu, Angry Nu & Angry Lambda

Hazama: "Got myself three Walking, Talking, Sleeping Living Dolls."

* * *

Happy Schoolgirl Tsubaki vs Happy Schoolboy Jin

Tsubaki: "Oh, Chlamydia! What a wonderful gift!"

* * *

Ragna vs Defeated Hazama

Ragna: "Well, they may have acquitted him but he certainly looked like a paedophile."

* * *

Es: "The hills are alive! With the sound of music!"

* * *

Bullet vs Makoto

Bullet: "You've never felt true pain till you wear hot pants and someone gives you a wedgie..."

* * *

Battle Stance Azrael vs Happy Tager

Azrael: "Ding dong! Ding dong! Your dick's this long!"

* * *

Nine, Jubei & Hakumen vs Terumi

Angry Nine: "I don't care what he did! Nothing is a good enough excuse to set an innocent boy on fire!"

Terumi: "He said he was a fan of Justin Beiber."

Nine: "...Carry on. Forget I said anything."

* * *

Happy Schoolboy Jin vs Angry Dr Litchi

Jin: "Got it bad! Got it bad! Got it bad! I'm hot for Teacher!"

* * *

Angry Bullet vs Tager

Bullet: "Why do I have to wear a life jacket? I already have two buoyancy aids!"

* * *

Amane vs Carl & Angry Relius

Amane: "Sorry, but rules are rules; If you're taller than that cutout, you can't go on the ride!"

* * *

And that's about it. Running a bit dry of ideas, so now seems as good a time as any too put this out to pasture. For the time being anyway; I may update it periodically when I come up with more terrible jokes that seem in character.

So, give the real TT some love and send them your suggestions; from what I understand they do have criteria over what they can and can't use, or stuff that'd require an inordinate amount of work to produce. Hence why this exists; it's unlikely they could use any of these. But if you think they can, and more to the point these are actually worth sending to them, then you have my permission .


	6. Chapter 6

Bikini Noel & Bikini Celica vs Swim Ragna & Swim Kagura

Noel: "Do they really qualify as swimming trunks?"

Ragna: "Does that really qualify as a swimming pool?"

* * *

Angry Jin vs Makoto & Ragna

Jin: "No! Giving him a blow job does not constitute 'A Warm Drink'!"

* * *

Hakumen vs Angry Rachel

Hakumen: "Well, at least she doesn't sparkle..."

* * *

Relius vs Trollzama

Relius: "I'm sorry, but it takes more to get a blowjob than writing 'bon apetit!' down the length of your penis and flashing random passers-by."

* * *

Angry Ragna & Angry Rachel vs Happy Radio Terumi

Terumu: "Hi. I'm sorry, but I can't come to the phone right now; too busy being a complete dick. Just leave a message after the beep, and I'll get back to you never."

* * *

Angry Bang vs Radio Hazama

Hazama: "Harro! You froo to Tony Wong's Takeaway!"

* * *

1) Happy Tsubaki vs Happy Jin & Happy Makoto

Tsubaki: "Oh, at least you enjoyed your evening. I'm sorry for being suspicious of you."

2) Angry Tsubaki vs Happy Jin & Happy Makoto

Jin: " No, you were right to be suspicious. I shagged her."

* * *

Hibiki vs Defeated Kagura

Hibiki: ""Where everybody knows your name!"...sadly for you, that includes the Bouncers."

* * *

Happy Swim Ragna, Noel, Celica and Kagura

All: "LET'S GET NAKED!"

* * *

Happy Termui & Happy Imperator vs Shocked Everyone else

Terumi: "It's not Necrophilia! It's NecRomance!"

* * *

Battle Taokaka, Angry Jubei &Torakaka vs Angry Terumi

Terumi: "I think I've just wandered into an episode of _Samurai Pizza Cats..._ "

* * *

Ragna, Makoto & Rachel vs Hazama

Ragna: "Any ideas how to get rid of him other than a big fat bribe?"

Makoto :"We could always just elect him vice-president; that way we'd never hear from him again..."

* * *

1) Angry Ragna & Celica vs Battle Stance Terumi, Relius, Nine & Izanami

Ragna: "You want her? I just got one thing to say to you."

2) Scared Ragna & Angry Celica vs Battle Stance Terumi, Relius, Nine & Izanami

Ragna: "Do anything you want to the girl, just don't hurt me!"


	7. Chapter 7

Battle Stance Makoto, Bullet, Litchi & Taokaka

All: "I must! I must! I must decrease my bust!"

* * *

Happy Ragna vs Happy Jin & Happy Noel

Ragna: "After what's just happened, feel free to now think of me as your imaginary friend."

* * *

1) Trollzama vs Noel Tsubaki & Makoto (all imprisoned)

Hazama: "Anyway, must dasherooni. I have to sort out your provision of musical entertainment. I think you're gonna like it."

2) Trollzama vs Angry Noel, Tsubaki & Makoto

Hazama: "It's a perpetually alternating tape of 'Baby' by Justin Beiber and 'Friday' by Rebecca Black.

* * *

Dr Litchi, Roy & Kokonoe

Roy: "I don't think it's a bad idea. Maybe I'm on your side for once."

Litchi: "It's not a question of sides."

Kokonoe: "No Roy, it's a question of intelligence, so your opinion holds little value."

* * *

Ragna & Susanō'o vs Sleeping Noel & Sleeping Jin

Ragna: "That's Noel, I'll introduce her properly when she wakes up. The other one's Jin, I really should introduce him now. He's at his best when he's unconscious."

* * *

Scared Bang vs Happy Carl & Platinum

Carl: "Don't be so frightened. We have no reason to think you'll come to any harm."

Platinum: "And less reason to care."

* * *

Angry Terumi vs Rachel

Terumi: "I still say that world is nothing but lies! I'm entitled to my opinion!"

Rachel: "You assume that the rest of us are entitled to it as well..."

* * *

Smiling Nine vs Angry Ragna & Celica

Ragna: "You let Celica cook, and she blew up the kitchen. Didn't I say that would happen?"

Nine: "And you were right. That must be a novel experience."

* * *

Lambda & Mu vs Angry Nu

Mu: "Given the choice would you rather be a load of spare parts down there?"

Lambda: "Or one spare part up here?"

* * *

Happy Terumi vs Angry Rachel & Battle Stance Valkenhayn

Terumi: "I say! What a wonderful butler! He's so violent!"

* * *

Battle Stance Ragna & Defeated Hakumen vs Susanō'o

Hakumen: "I am the white void. I am the cold steel. I am the just sword. With blade in hand shall I-I am running out of things to say. Can you hurry up and hit him please?"


	8. Chapter 8

Ragna & Celica vs Trollzama

Ragna: "Admit it, you've gotten us lost again. Here, let's ask this guy for directions. He looks trustworthy..."

* * *

Happy Jin and & Defeated NOL Noel vs Tsubaki & Makoto

Jin: "My Modus operandi; If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to her."

* * *

Happy Bang: "Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool!"

* * *

Terumi: "Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups."

* * *

Relius & Trollzama vs Taokaka

Hazama: "I told you I couldn't do it."

Relius: "I believed you from the start."

Hazama: "I can't troll that. No one can!"

Relius: "I thought you could troll anyone. It's always been one of your more modest claims."

* * *

Scared Ragna vs Happy Radio Nu

Nu: "I believe in miracles! Where you from? You sexy thing!"

* * *

Susanō'o vs Everyone

Susanō'o: "I am Susanō'o. I am God, and I have but one rule; No, you may not shorten my name to Susan, Sue, Suzie or any variations thereof."

* * *

Ragna: "So, my mom is a teenage robot, my dad's basically Cthulhu, my uncle's from another dimension, my brother's at the same time an incestuous yandere and a robot samurai, and my sister is both God and a God killing robot girl. Yeah, my family life is not odd in the slightest. In no way, shape or form. Completely normal.

* * *

Sleeping Bang & Dr Litchi vs Kokonoe

Litchi: "His pulse is very weak."

Kokonoe: "That should go quite nicely with the rest of him."

* * *

Angry Tsubaki vs Makoto

Makoto: "Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to get some sleep."

Tsubaki: "How can you sleep at a time like this!?"

Makoto: "Like what? Jin is sat up in a tree, Ragna is sat up in another tree. Unless they're planning on throwing nuts at each other I don't see much of a fight developing before it gets light!"


	9. Chapter 9

Trinity & Kazuma vs Angry Nine

Kazuma: "Oh god, you know I hate cold weather, I've got a weak chest!"

Nine: "The rest of you's not that impressive either."

* * *

Defeated Azrael vs Tager

Azrael: "Has anyone got any painkillers? I've got a shocking headache."

Tager: "Have you ever considered amputation?"

* * *

Happy Jin vs Shocked Tsubaki

Tsubaki: "What what!? In the butt!?"

* * *

Everyone else vs Angry Kagura & Angry Tsubaki

Everyone else: "Blame Canada! Blame Canada!"

* * *

Sad Schoolgirl Noel, Mai & Kajun vs Schoolgirl Makoto, Tsubaki & Jin

Noel: "This is the worst day of my life!"

Makoto: "You mean the hand-drier in the girl's toilets has outsmarted you again?"

* * *

Susanō'o vs Defeated Ragna, Rachel & Jin

Susanō'o: "It's just that it's been suggested that I should try and make the occasion a little more enjoyable..."

* * *

Susanō'o: "MY NAME'S SUE! HOW DO YOU DO?"

* * *

Nerdgasm Makoto vs Happy Amane & Happy Azrael

Makoto: "And all pretence is abandoned as the two contestants come out to the arena naked, covered in lubricant, to the sound of pounding techno!"

* * *

Happy Schoolboy Jin vs Happy Schoolgirls Makoto, Tsubaki & Noel

Jin: "Physics; using only the mass of the ass and the angle of the dangle, calculate the measure of the pleasure."

* * *

Masked Tsubaki vs Shocked Noel, Makoto & Jin

Tsubaki: "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

* * *

Happy Rachel vs Happy Ragna & Celica

Raachel: "And now to teach you the finer arts of the Throw; a chance for the combatants to have a quick kiss and exchange phone numbers."

* * *

Happy Jin vs Happy Tsubaki

Tsubaki: "Doing anything this lunchtime Jin? Because if you're interested I'll be in my quarters, covered in Maple Syrup."

Jin: "I'm sorry Tsubaki but I don't fraternise with the staff."

Tsu: "I resign."

Jin: "I'll be there at 13:00."

* * *

Sad NOL Noel & Happy Jin vs Kagura

Kagura: "Astoundingly zealous, possibly mad, probably has more teeth than brain cells."

Jin: "These Confidential Reports are fantastic! Who's is this one?"

Happy NOL Noel & Angry Jin vs Happy Kagura

Kagura: "Yours."

* * *

Celica: "Now, which vest do I wear today? Bullet-proof or Stab-proof? Decisions, decisions."


	10. Chapter 10

Trinity: "I was gonna clean my room, before I got high!"

* * *

Ragna vs Angry Rachel & Angry Celica

Ragna: "You, and me...and her."

* * *

Litchi vs Bang & Ninjas

Litchi: "Iie! Ninja ga imasu!

Bang: "Taisetsu no mono!"

Ninjas: "PROTECT MY BALLS!"

* * *

Happy Ragna vs Defeated Terumi

Terumi: "Jeez, screwed me over again! What do you do for an encore!?"

Ragna: "I win."

* * *

Happy Noel vs Trollzama

Noel: "Troll-sama! Troll-sama!"

Hazama: "No, it's Troll _z_ _a_ ma! You gurning half wit!"

* * *

Happy Trinity & Happy Celica vs Nine

1) Trinity: "Urgh! That green liquor we had last night really packed a wallop."

2) Nine: "That was Windolene."

3) Celica: "But it tasted alright when you mixed it with that pinky red stuff."

Trinity & Celica vs Shocked Nine

4) Nine: "You drank my Swarfega too!?"

* * *

Angry Schoolgirl Noel vs Schoolboy Jin

Noel: "No! You CAN'T have my lunch money!"

* * *

Shocked Ragna vs Yandere Jin & Sad Tsubaki

Tsubaki: (...friendzoned)

* * *

Terumu: "Spend and evening with the movers and the shakers? Why the hell would I want to spend the night with removal men and sufferers of Parkinson's Disease?"

* * *

Nerdgasm Makoto & Happy Mu vs Happy Lambda

Lambda: "Hiya Stripper Squirrel and Girl-On Girl! I'm the world's most adorable superheroine, Moe-kumo!"

* * *

Angry Kokonoe vs Rachel

Kokonoe: "Don't you ever get fed up with always being right?"

Rachel: "Only with the rest of you always being wrong."

* * *

Taokaka vs Hazama

Hazama: "Here, ladies and gentlemen, we have something that serves absolutely no purpose...like turn signals on a BMW."

* * *

Schoolgirls Makoto, Tsubaki, Mai & Kajun vs Sad Schoolgirl Noel

Makoto: "Thanks Noel for staying behind and getting detention and summoned to the principal's office so the rest of us could get away from all the satanist paraphernalia. Talk about 'Taking one for the team'!"

* * *

Nu: "Is Nu Kawaii?"


	11. Chapter 11

Happy Noel vs Defeated Tsubaki, Defeated Makoto & Defeated Hakumen

Noel: "So, what did you think of the Christmas Pudding?"

Sad Noel vs Defeated Tsubaki, D Makoto & D Hakumen

Tsubaki: "I think I've died. Again."

Makoto: "It sits on the tongue like finest meringue...and on the stomach like a concrete bowling ball."

Hakumen: "If I could barf I'd be onto my fifth bag by now."

* * *

Happy Jubei, H Valkenhayn & Hakumen vs Angry Terumi

(Sung to the tune of The Most Beautiful Girl In The World by Prince)

J, V & H: Terumi (H: Terumi) you're the ugliest man in the world!

Hakumen: "You're so damn ugly! You're so ug-leh!"

J, V & H: "And your face (H: And your face) is the reason that we're gonna hurl! BLEURGH!"

* * *

Happy Izayoi vs Happy Jin

"'C'mon! It'll be a wholly new way to join the Mile High Club!"

* * *

Shocked Tsubaki, S Noel & S Makoto vs Happy Radio Jin

Jin: "I just thought you'd like to know that I'm completely naked and playing with myself."

* * *

Shocked Noel vs Happy Radio Mu

Mu: "The radio is off. I'm actually speaking to you from inside your own head. But still, there is absolutely no need to panic. None whatsoever."

* * *

Happy Battle Stance Ragna & HBS Terumi vs Shocked Rachel

Wagna: "Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet, we're hunting wabbit!"

Terumi: "Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh."

* * *

Hazama vs Sad Tsubaki

Hazama: "The long face of the law."

* * *

Miffed Makoto vs Radio Kokonoe

Kokonoe: "Sorry, can't do anything for you; I've yet to fulfill my Obstructive Mentor quota for today."

Makoto: "Seriously Professor, you're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican."

* * *

(Bururaji!) Happy Christmas Chibi Jin, Noel, Tsubaki, Makoto & Ragna vs Angry Christmas Chibi Izanami

R, J, N & T: "We wish you weren't living with us! We wish you weren't living with us! We wish you weren't living with us! We're not happy you're here!"

* * *

And on that note, Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.


	12. Chapter 12

Ragna vs Defeated Nu

Nu: "All I tried to do was carve my name into your back and you try to drive a stake through my eye! What the hell d'ya call that!?"

Ragna: "I dunno, Grounds For Divorce?"

* * *

Ragna & Teruzama vs Defeated Makoto, D Nu & D Bullet

Terumi: "Sheesh, you lot have absolutely no staying power! You just can't get the groupies anymore!"

* * *

Platinum vs Nu & Izanami

Platinum: "Looks like there was definitely someone on the design team who has a thing for Gap Moe."

* * *

Happy Jin vs Happy Kagura, H Tsubaki and Hibiki

Jin: "So in short the squad's budget will...mmmh...do excuse me, I think I've just come."

* * *

Defeated Ragna vs Happy Terumi

Terumi: "So much for the Groin Attack eh Raggy? Lucky me I always wear a box!"

Defeated Ragna vs Angry Terumi & Happy Relius

Relius: "Really? I always thought it was a Chastity Belt."

Terumi "You what!? Who the hell do you take me for!? Tsubaki!?"

Tsubaki (from off screen): "HEY!"

* * *

Nerdgasm Makoto vs Tager, Hakumen & Susanō'o

Makoto: "So, tell me what happens after the machines take over the world."

Tager: "(sigh) All I can say is that it involves _a_ _lot_ of lubricant."

* * *

Mai & Kajun vs Kokonoe

Kokonoe: "Right, I need you to set up the NMR Spectrometer for the samples that came in yesterday, prep the bacterial cultures to be going overnight, and realign the aerial coz my TV's giving me nothing but static! And get me a damn coffee!"

Kajun: "Is that all? And what would you like me to do with my other hand in the meantime?"

* * *

Makoto, Mu & Lambda vs Ragna

Ragna: "Stripper Squirrel, Girl-On Girl and Moe-kumo! How can things possibly get worse?"

Happy Makoto, H Mu & H Lambda vs Shocked Ragna & Happy Nu

Nu: "Heeeeeeeeeeeey!"

Ragna: "Yandere-Chan! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Rachel & Valkenhayn vs Happy Bang

Rachel: "Ladies and Gentlemen, may we, as part of our Am Dram season, now present "A Quick One, While He's Away".

Valkenhayn: "I play the old engine driver...The seducer."

Bang: "And I play the girl scout..."

* * *

Happy NOL Noel

Noel: "Good evening and welcome to the NOL Six O'clock News, and no, I'm not wearing any."


	13. Chapter 13

Bullet vs Makoto & Tager

Bullet: "So turns out, this guy doesn't even speak a word of the lingo. Trying to tell him what to do was like Interpretive Dance. Only worse..."

* * *

Angry Tsubaki vs Defeated Ragna

Tsubaki: "I don't know how you do things where you come from, but around here it is considered the height of bad manners to kill your friends while committing suicide."

* * *

Hazama, Amane & Jin vs Azrael

Hazama: "I wonder what Azrael looks like in Hot Pants"

Amane: (Don't get a stiffie!)

Hazama, Amane & Defeated Jin vs Azrael

Jin: (Damn! Got a stiffie...)

* * *

Trollzama vs Sad Noel

Hazama: "So everyone's called your cooking terrible _again_!? Here, lemme give you a hug..."

Hazama: "...Around the neck. With a rope."

* * *

Makoto vs Tsubaki & Noel

Makoto: "There was a young lady named Tsu. Who filled her vagina with glue."

Tsubaki: (sigh) "I said with a grin. "If they'll pay to get in. Then they'll pay to get out of it too"."

* * *

Hibiki vs Happy Drunk Kagura

Hibiki: (singing) "Kagura couldn't hold his beer. The art of drinking he's not mastered."

Happy Drunk Hibiki vs HD Kagura

Hibiki: "And I your merry balladeer. Am also well and truly plastered."

* * *

Happy Tsubaki & Happy Jin vs Hakumen

Hakumen: "Okay, now that you've got her where you want her, what you do is lie on top of her and move up and down in that...curious way that you humans find so agreeable... personally i've always preferred Partnership Whist.

* * *

Makoto vs Kokonoe, Jubei, Valkenhayn & Taokaka

Makoto: "If I could talk to the animals, just imagine it. Chattin' with a chimp in chimpanzee. Imagine talking to a tiger, chatting with a cheetah. What a neat achievement it would be!"

Makoto: "If we could talk to the animals, learn all their languages, I could take an animal degree. I'd study Elephant and Eagle! Buffalo and Beagle! Alligator, Guniea Pig and Flea!"

* * *

Scared Ragna /w Spectacles Of Eros vs All the females

Ragna: "Hot ladies...Pants...Too tight...I'm...Turning Japanese!"


	14. Chapter 14

Kokonoe & Dr Litchi vs Makoto & Defeated Kagura

Makoto: "So, any new on why my belly hurts so much?"

Litchi: "Well, good news and bad news. I've run tests for every STD I can think of, and they all came back negative, so you're in the clear."

Makoto: "Good. So what's the bad news?"

Kokonoe: "Congratulations. You're pregnant. It's his"

Happy Kokonoe & Dr Litchi vs Shocked Makoto & Happy Kagura

Makoto: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Trollzama vs Defeated Nine

Hazama: "And I was beginning to worry about the potential lawsuit for everything I've done. So much for the Geneva Convention."

* * *

Ragna vs Bullet

Bullet: "Charizard, use your Napalm Jizz attack!"

Terrified Ragna vs Smiling Bullet

Ragna: "Aaaargh! It's STICKY and it BUUUUUUUUUURNS!"

* * *

1) Relius vs Hazama

Relius: "Dear Imperator, I have always found Captain Hazama

Working studiously and sincerely at his desk without

Idling or gossiping with his colleagues. He seldom

Wastes his time in useless things and always

Finishes assignments on time. He is diligent at

His official work, and can never be found

Chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no

Vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and

Knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

Classed as outstanding, and on no account be

Dispensed with. I strongly feel that Captain Hazama should be

Promoted, and a proposal to administration be

Sent away as soon as possible."

2) Happy Relius

Relius: "Addendum; Captain Hazama was looking over my shoulder when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, etc for what I really think of him."

* * *

Defeated Bang vs Angry Bullet

Bang: "I admired Bullet's mouldings. So she whacked my smallholdings!"

* * *

Scared Ragna vs Scared Jin

Ragna: "Shit! A Tarrasque! Good thing I'm wearing my running shoes!"

Jin: "So what if you're wearing running shoes!? You're not going to outrun that thing!"

Ragna: "I don't have to outrun that thing! I just have to outrun YOU!"


	15. Chapter 15

Jin vs Terumi

Jin: "I'm a Vegan."

Terumi: "Then please fuck off back to the planet Vega!"

* * *

Tsubaki & Jin vs Terumi

Tsubaki: "I'm a Vegan too!"

Terumi: "No, you're a _Virgin._ Note the spelling. Please learn the difference."

Terumi: "A vegan abstains from eating animal products, such as meat milk or eggs, while a virgin has never had sex...Actually, you are abstaining from eating _his_ meat, so yeah, I'll grant you that one."

Terumi: "You can fuck off back to Vega too."

* * *

Angry Izanami vs Susanō'o

Izanami: "Okay, so he and I are opposing gods. We hate each other. Our end goals get in each others way. So could someone please point out to me when exactly I started thinking that us working together sounded like a jolly splendid idea? Answers on a postcard."

* * *

Battle Stance Taokaka: "Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't."

* * *

Hazama: "Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."

* * *

Defeated Izanami & Ragna vs Terumi

Ragna: "So, we already know you discriminate on the grounds of race, species, religion, lifestyle, disability, gender and sexual orientation. I guess we can now add 'mortal status' to your rap sheet. Is there anyone you don't discriminate against?"

Terumi: "Oh come on, you make it sound like it's a _bad_ thing. Just think of me as an Equal Opportunity Offender."

* * *

Lambda & Happy Noel vs Shocked Makoto, S Tsubaki, S Mai & S Kajun

Noel: "Help yourself to Nibbles; he was our favourite hamster but it's what he would have wanted."

* * *

Happy Izayoi & Happy Tsubaki vs Shocked Makoto

Makoto: "When I said "Go fuck yourself", I didn't mean it literally!"

* * *

Smiling Jubei

1) "Missed the last train. Oh well. Looks like I'll have to hitchhike home."

2) "Luckily I possess something most other cats don't."

3) "Thumbs."


	16. Chapter 16

Angry Valkenhayn & A Rachel Vs Happy Ragna & H Terumi

Rachel: "When you told me you were having a movie night, I definitely didn't think you'd plump for 'Adventures Up The Ass 3: Enema Of The State'! And no! I will almost certainly not find it _educational_!"

* * *

Happy Jin vs Kagura & Hibiki

Jin: "Get a grip on yourself, you know you should! I've got a grip on myself and it feels good!"

Jin: "Get a grip on yourself, take my advice! I've got a grip on myself and it feels nice!"

* * *

Happy Bang vs Bullet, Litchi & Noel

Bang: "I like big butts, I cannot lie! You other brothas can't deny!"

* * *

Master Unit Amateratsu: "Welcome to the Continuum Shift, where everything's made up, and the points don't matter. _Whose Timeline Is It Anyway?_ "

* * *

Noel vs Defeated Ragna, D Tsubaki & D Makoto

Ragna: "'For mild stomach upsets take one teaspoon full. For acute indigestion take two'...Someone get me a pint glass."

Happy Noel: "Well, I thought a highly enjoyable mean all-around. Obviously you can't expect perfect results first time but on the whole I was _delighted_ with the way my dumplings went down."

Ragna: "Noel, dumplings, proper dumplings, when they are properly cooked to perfection Noel, proper dumplings should not _bounce!"_

Noel: "True, but after how I thought they were going to turn out they were quite (kiss) _super!"_

Tsubaki: "So how's Jin?"

Noel: "Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump."

Noel: "He'll be alright. The lamb was a bit of a flop though."

Makoto: "The lamb!? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that lemon meringue pie, what was in that!?"

Angry Noel: "You liked it! You brought some back!"

Makoto: "Yeah, I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!"

* * *

Hazama Vs Noel, Jin & Ragna

Hazama: "Fair Noel could not sate her appetite for lovers."

Trollzama Vs Angry Noel, A Jin & A Ragna

Hazama: "But I suspect she would be fine with two or three more brothers."

* * *

Miffed Tsubaki vs Noel & Makoto

Tsubaki: "As the oft misquoted Satre saying goes, _Hell is spending eternity with your friends."_

Makoto: "Tsubaki, all his friends were French."


	17. Chapter 17

Jin vs Taokaka & Torakaka

Taokaka: "There's an old cat saying; if your gonna eat tuna, expect bones."

Jin: "There's an old human saying; if you're gonna talk garbage, expect _pain_

* * *

Susanō'o: "Whoever said "We Have Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself" obviously never met me!"

* * *

Izanami & Relius vs Hazama

Izanami: "That's your excuse Hazama!? You _Blame It On The Boogie!?"_

* * *

Pakumen: "I am the White Hair! I am the Warm Fur! I am the Cuddly Bear!"

Pakumen: "With blade in hand shall I nurse the misery of this world and engulf them in the fuzzy feelings of Moe!

Pakumen: "I am Hakawaii! The end has come...desu."

* * *

Ragna & Noel

Noel: "What's that? Could have swore it wasn't there a minute ago. Let's take a closer look."

Ragna: "Hey, somethings written here. Hard to make it out. I think it says...'World's...Most...Interesting...Bomb'?"

(BOOM!)

Defeated Ragna & D Noel Vs Trollzama

Hazama: "U mad, bro?"

* * *

Defeated Kagura: "The Donner Kebab; Does for Saturday nights what 20 pints of lager does for Sunday mornings."

* * *

Happy Hazama Vs Sleeping Noel, S Tsubaki & S Makoto

Hazama: "For guaranteed complaint free sex: Rohypnol."

* * *

Angry Tsubaki Vs Drunk Jin

Tsu: "You piss on me again boyo, I fucking divorce you!"

(Best done in a Welsh accent)

* * *

Happy Rachel: "Welcome to the show where we give your woman needless piercings, horrible looking tattoos, and otherwise make her look like a complete & utter tramp : "Pimp My Bride"!"

* * *

Jubei, Nine & Kokonoe Vs Dr Litchi

Jubei: "I asked my daughter what she wanted to be when she grew up. She looked at my wife. She said "single"."

* * *

Happy Relius Vs Angry Terumi

Relius: "A modest man, with much to be modest about."

* * *

Angry Bang vs Susanō'o

Bang: "Behold! A secret technique passed down through the Shsihigami family for generations!"

Scared Bang Vs Susanō'o

Bang: "RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!"

* * *

Dr Litchi vs Carl

Litchi: "That concludes the medical. However, I have had to allow for that fact that you cheated at your eye test."

Carl: "What do you mean, cheated!?"

Litchi: "There's no point in lying to me; you snuck in here last night knowing you were going to have a medical, and you copied the eye charts onto your shoes!"


	18. Chapter 18

Susanōo: "I AM STRENGTH! I AM AM VALOUR! I AM WHOLE! WITH DIVINE BLADE IN HAND SHALL I SEV-"

Captain Macmillan: "Oi! Suzy!"

Susanōo: "WHAT!? WHO DARES CA-(thunk) OWW!

Macmillan: "That's how it's done, let's go!"

* * *

Happy Kagura: "July 18th. Marathon Curry Night; drank a yard of Vindaloo sauce.

Defeated Kagura: "July 19th. Spent day on toilet."

Defeated Kagura: "July 20th. Ditto."

* * *

Angry Jubei Vs Terumi

Jubei: "Pursuit: a suit made from cats."

* * *

Angry Tsubaki, A Makoto & A Noel Vs Defeated Jin, D Carl & D Kagura

Jin: "For God's sake Kagura, I said _pantry_ raid! Not _panty_ raid!"

* * *

Relius Vs Mu, Nu & Lambda

Mu: "Dad, I think I'm a lesbian."

Nu: "Dad, I'm a lesbian too."

Lambdai: "Me as well."

Relius: "Oh for fuck's sake, does no one around here like dick!?"

Relius Vs Amane, Mu, Nu & Lambda

Amane: "Dad, I do!"

* * *

Angry Tsubaki Vs Angry Jin

Jin: "I can't stand Front Seat Drivers!"

Tsu: "That's Back Seat Drivers!"

Jin: "You were sat in the passenger seat! Not a back seat, last time I checked!"

* * *

Hakumen Vs Nine, Jubei, Trinity, Valkenhayn & Terumi

Hakumen: "Look, I think we're losing sight of the real issue here people; what're we gonna call ourselves? For me it's a straight choice between the _League Against Salivating Monsters,_ or my personal preference which is the _Commitee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society."_

Hakumen Vs Angry Nine & Trinity, Jubei, Valkenhayn & Smiling Terumi

Hakumen: "Only one drawback with that; the abbreviation is Clitoris."

* * *

Trollzama Vs Sad Makoto

Hazama: "I think we can guess your favourite nursery rhyme. 'Hump Me, Dump Me'."

* * *

Happy Bang Vs Angry Litchi & A Bullet

Bang: "Big Bottom! Big Bottom! Talk about bum cakes my gal's got 'em!"

* * *

Jin Vs Angry Izayoi

Jin: "There's no polite way to do this, so I'll just say it; Yes, your bum _does_ look big in that outfit."


	19. Chapter 19

Miffed Ragna Vs Kokonoe & Amane

Ragna: "Oh look, it's Doctor Death and the Tooth Fairy."

* * *

Miffed Rachel: "Who knows what hellish future lies ahead? Actually, I do. I've seen the rehearsals."

* * *

Trollzama: "Hello, and welcome to the Eurovision Song Contest. For the good of your liver, I would refrain from beginning drinking until Song 9 at the earliest."

* * *

Nine vs Celica & Trinity

Nine: "Intelligence is knowing that a Tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing to not put it in a fruit salad."

* * *

Tsubaki: "I love Jin he is my sweet friend and I love him."

Sad Tsu: "I'm so blue coz I don't think Jin loves me."

Angry Tsu Vs Shocked Jin

Tsu: "I'm so messed up inside I might have to off him!"

Happy Tsu Vs Shocked Jin & S Noel

Tsu: "I'll blame Noel and get away Scott Free!"

* * *

Drunk Kagura Vs Drunk Hibiki & NOL Noel

Hibiki: "Kagura, the nice officer says you need to drink more."

Kagura: "Yeah, and my doctor told me I'm not getting enough tar, and that I need to start smoking again."

* * *

Happy Relius & Angry Izanami Vs Hazama

Izanami: "I don't care! You had no reason to invade and take over Hell yesterday. And no, 'I was bored' is no excuse!"

* * *

Nine Vs Terumi

Nine: "I do so appreciate your supporting me in this venture. After all, you _do_ have to get behind someone before you can stab them in the back."

* * *

Shocked Jin Vs Shocked Tsubaki

Jin: "So, this guy who's broken into our home and tied us up is clearly an escaped criminal. I saw him whispering minute your ear before he entered the bathroom. Look, whatever he wants to do to you, kiss you, have sex with you, let him. Just as long as your safe."

Shocked Jin Vs Angry Tsubaki

Tsu: "I have nothing to worry about. He said he was gay and was asking where we kept the Vaseline. Just let him do what he wants."


	20. Chapter 20

Rachel Vs Happy Terumi

Terumi: "Allow me to show the only real truth of this world! The truth called despair!"

Happy Rachel Vs Angry Terumi

Rachel: "Despair? Despair is simply anger without the enthusiasm."

* * *

Happy Jin: "Oooh..."

Female Voice: "I'm licking your chest..."

Jin: "Aaaaaaah."

Female Voice: "...down your belly..."

Jin: "Yeah..."

Female Voice: "...to your rock hard cock..."

Jin: "Oh yeah!"

Female Voice: "...let me put that cock in my mouth..."

Jin: "OH YEAH! I'M CUMMING!"

Angry Jin Vs Happy Radio Trollzama

Hazama: "Thank you very much for your custom. We'd like you to know that in line with regulations your call has been recorded for training and blackmail purposes."

* * *

Angry Noel vs Tsubaki

Noel: "But...how could you do that with him!?"

Angry Noel vs Happy Tsubaki

Tsubaki: "Coz I'm just a girl who can't say no! I'm in a terrible fix!

I always say "Come on! Let's go!" just when I oughta say nix!

When a person tries to kiss a girl I know she oughta give his face a smack! (Whack!)

But as soon as someone kisses me I somehow sorta wanna kiss him baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I'm just a fool when lights are low! I can't be prissy and quaint!

I ain't the type that can faint! How can I be what I ain't?

I caaaaaaaaaaaan't saaaaaaaaaaaaay noooooooooooooooooo!"

* * *

Izanami Vs Kagura

Izanami: "You pretend to work, and we pretend to pay you."

* * *

Jin Vs Bored Makoto

Jin: "...that hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me. I cannot rest from travel; I will drink life to the lees. All times I have enjoy'd ..."

(CRASH! BANG! WALLOP!)

Defeated Jin & Happy Kagura Vs Happy Makoto

Kagura: "Forget the Tennyson! Let's eat some Venison!"

* * *

Trollzama & Ragna vs Tager

Hazama: "I suppose we have developed a certain fondness for one another."

Ragna: "Yes...like a terrorist and his hostage."

Tager: "Ermmm...who's the terrorist?"

Hazama & Ragna: "HE IS!"


	21. Chapter 21

Happy Mu, Happy Nu & Happy Lambda Vs Sleeping Noel

Mu, Nu & Lambda: "2! 4! 6! 8! You've been staying up too late!"

* * *

Hazama vs Relius

Hazama: "So what's this I hear about Makoto and a vacuum cleaner?"

Relius: "I'm afraid I can't tell you."

Hazama: "Oh come on, spill it!"

Relius: "(sigh) Can you keep a secret?"

Hazama: "Yes."

Relius: "...so can I..."

Hazama: "..."

Relius: "..."

Angry Hazama: "..."

Relius: "..."

Angry Teruzama Vs Happy Relius

Terumi: "DAMN YOU RELIUS!"

* * *

Sleeping Noel & Sleeping Makoto Vs Shocked Tsubaki

Tsubaki: "Scramble! Scramble! All hands on deck! Emergency! Scramble!"

(exit Tsubaki)

Makoto: "Zzzzz..."

Noel: "Zzzzz..."

(enter Tsubaki)

Angry Tsubaki: "Look, maybe you two didn't just hear me. I SAID SCRAMBLE!"

Makoto: "Yeah, that's be great with Bacon and Beans."

Tsu: "Look, HQ's a blazing inferno, everyone else is dead, and the Black Beast has just returned!"

Shocked Noel: "Really!?"

Miffed Tsu: "No, of course not really. It's a drill, we're pretending the building's on fire and we're under attack."

Makoto: "And I'm pretending to scramble...good night."

Tsu: "Look, you've both got two minutes or I'm declaring the pair of you officially dead."

(exit Tsubaki)

Sleeping Noel: "Good, then we can rest in peace..."

* * *

School Mai, Kajun & Jin Vs Happy Kokonoe & Trollzama

Kokonoe: "Looks like tonight's a good night for Stargazing. If you look up, you'll see Taurus The Bull."

Hazama: "And right below it's the Constellation Faeces."

* * *

Carl & Platinum Vs Arakune

Platinum: "Has anyone seen Taokaka?"

Arakane: "I think she said something about leaving the planet and that we're all gonna die. She left a note."

Platinum: "..."

Carl: "..."

Arakune: "..."

Platinum "Well?"

Arakune: "Well what? All it says is 'So long, and thanks for all the fish'."

* * *

Nine & Jubei Vs Ragna

Jubei: I never knew what happiness was until I got married."

Angry Nine & Jubei vs Happy Ragna

Ragna: "And by then it was too late."

* * *

Angry Ragna Vs Celica & Noel

Ragna: "So "Right", I thought, "I'm not putting up with this shit anymore"."

Ragna: "A knee to the belly, an elbow to the back of the head..."

Terrified Ragna Vs Miffed Celica & Miffed Noel

Ragna: "...and that was it, I was out cold on the cobbles."

* * *

Happy Embarrassed School Makoto Vs HES Tsubaki

Makoto: "So maybe if you're not doing anything tonight, we could go watch the sunset, hold hands, maybe if you want we cou-"

Shocked Embarrassed Schoolgirl Makoto and SES Tsubaki Vs Angry Valkenhayn

Valkenhayn: "Nein! Nein! Nein! Zis vud neva have happened unda Ze Nazis!"


	22. Chapter 22

Miffed Ragna Vs Jin & Scared Noel

Ragna: "Okay, we're down here, stuck smack bang in the middle of R'lyeh, so could someone please explain to me why the hell I've just found a copy of Gideon's Bible!?"

* * *

Izanami: What's this? Ikaruga Surveillance report? Labelled as urgent.

(Click)

Rick Astley: "We're no strangers to love….."

Angry Izanami Vs Radio Trollzama

Izanami: "GODDAMMIT, HAZAMA!"

Hazama: "Rickrolled, lol."

* * *

Mai Vs Happy Tsubaki & Happy Kagura

Mai: "Pick a song title that describes you in a nutshell."

Kagura: ""Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover" by Paul Simon."

Tsu: ""Crazy In Love" by Beyonce."

Mai: (Really? I was sure she'd go for "Mad About The Boy" by Dinah Washington.)

(CRASH BANG WALLOP!)

Defeated Mai, Defeated Kagura & Defeated Tsubaki Vs Battle Stance Hazama

Hazama: ""Asshole" by Denis Leary."

* * *

Happy Ragna Vs Happy Everyone else.

(Sung to the tune of Blow The Man Down.)

Ragna: "Okay guys, once more. From the top. 1, 2, 3."

Ragna: "Slow the plot down laddie! Slow the plot down!"

All: "Way! Hey! Slow the plot down!"

Ragna: "We'll scuttle the story and run 'er aground!"

All: "We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!"

Ragna: "Just give us a story that's long and immense! (A: Way! Hey! Slow the plot down!)"

Ragna: "Just give us a script that makes no fucking sense! (A: We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!)"

* * *

Happy Jubei: "Finally! After Nine years I get to be a playable character."

Angry Jubei: "THERE! I DID IT! DO YOU LOVE ME NOW, DAD!?"

* * *

Angry Evil Tsubaki Vs Terrified Makoto & T Noel

Tsu: "Grave Crimes Demand!"

M & N: "Grave Punishment!"

Tsu: "Petty Crimes Demand!"

M & N: "Grave Punishment!"

Happy Evil Tsu Vs Scared Makoto & S Noel

Tsu: "And only I may pardon..."


	23. Chapter 23

Happy Nu, Happy My & Happy Lambda Vs Angry Noel

L, M & N: "2! 4! 6! 8! You've been putting on some weight!"

* * *

Yandere Evil Tsubaki Vs Shocked Jin

Tsu: "PLEASE NOTICE ME, SENPAI!"

* * *

Hakumen & Arakune vs Scared Noel & Mai

Hakumen: "This sounds like a job for-"

Battle Stance Hakumen & BS Arakune vs Miffed Noel & Mai

H & A: "-Boundary Buddies!"

* * *

Makoto Vs Arakune

Arakune: " Look Mack, I can transform into many things. The Super Orgasmatron 9000 is unfortunately not among them."

Miffed Makoto: "Awww. So how about something with tentacles? I dunno...Shuma-Gorath?"

Nerdgasm Makoto Vs Battle Stance Arakune

Arakune: "Now _that_ I can do."

* * *

Angry Schoolgirl Tsubaki vs Scared Schoolgirl Noel

Tsu: "What are these? Learning drugs? They're illegal! You're in very serious trouble! Where did you get them? I want names! I want places! I want dates!"

Shocked Schoolgirl Tsubaki Vs Smirking Schoolgirl Noel

Noel: "Tsubaki Yayoi! Her locker! This morning!"

* * *

Jin vs Tsubaki, Noel & Makoto

Noel: "I wish we could all just forget about that game of Twister. I mean, we could all see you weren't wearing any pants."

Smiling Jin vs Shocked Tsu, Angry Noel & Nerdgasm Makoto

Jin: "What do you mean, _weren't_?"

* * *

Smiling Amane, Smiling Azrael & Trollzama vs Ragna, Jin & Kagura

Hazama: "We'd got one! We've got two! We've got two more poofs than you!"

* * *

Battle Stance Ragna vs BS Jin

JIn: "So, we gonna throw down?"

Ragna: "No, I'm gonna throw down, you're gonna throw up."

* * *

Relius & Angry Izanami Vs Hazama & Terumi

Izanami: "So I enter your quarters to find you two in a passionate embrace in bed. How could you possibly contemplate making...love...to yourself?"

Relius: "Well, why break the habit of a lifetime?"

* * *

Tager vs Platinum, Carl & Bang

Tager: "I was walking around back of the ship when I saw the captain giving one of the waiting staff a real brow beating."

Happy Tager vs Angry Platinum, Miffed Carl & Defeated Bang

Tager: "It was a stern telling off." (rimshot)

* * *

Kokonoe vs Defeated Lambda

Kokonoe: "We put the K in Kwality!"

* * *

Smiling Izayoi: "Virginity like bubble; one prick, all gone."


	24. Chapter 24

Angry Celica & Drunk Ragna vs Susanoo

Celica: "Ragna, you're not going to have it out with him! He just turned into a seven foot tall armour plated killing machine!"

Ragna: "v'ad bigger than 'im! One shwift knee in de Happy Shacksh n' 'e'll go down like anyone elsh!"

* * *

Jin vs Radio Hazama

Happy Jin: "Hullo, Harry Fotherington-Smythe here. I'm having a meal this evening with some of my rugger chums and I'd like a table by the window."

Hazama: "I'm sorry sir, we'll fully booked."

Miffed Jin: "No, you don't understand, I _always_ get a table by the window."

Miffed Hazama: "I just told you sir, we're fully booked. You want a table by the window? Bring your own and put it outside."

Angry Jin: "Now listen here thingamijiggy! I have never been treated this way before in my life!"

Trollzama: "Well you have now sir. Fuck off!"

* * *

Angry Ragna Vs Angry Rachel

Ragna: "I don't know why you're so upset about me going poof. You don't even like me."

Rachel: "Is that what you think? Well, I'll tell you something that'll probably stun you rigid."

Ragna: "What?"

Rachel: "You're right! I don't like you!"

* * *

Angry Jin: "When I was told I'd be riding the Gravy Train, everyone neglected to mention it'd be Arse Gravy!"

* * *

Happy Izanami: "I shall assign my very best agents to this task. They are simply known as-"

Angry Izanami Vs Trollzama, Nerdgasm Makoto & Drunk Kagura

H, M & K: "THE UNPROFESSIONALS!"

(Cue 'The Professionals' theme music)

* * *

Jin vs Miffed Tsubaki

Tsu: "Jin, would you please stop-"

Robo-Jin vs Shocked Tsubaki

Jin: "I am not Jin. I am ROBO-JIN! THREAT TO CONTINUED FUNCTIONING DETECTED! SEARCHING FOR APPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO PRESENT SITUATION...SEARCHING...SEARCHING...RESPONSE FOUND!"

Robo-Jin vs Happy Tsubaki

Jin: "PLEASE BECOME MY WAAAIIIIIIIIFFFUUUUUUUU!"

* * *

Susanoo vs Happy Jubei, Ragna & Litchi

Susanoo: "Ho ho ho!"

R, L & J: "Green Giant!"


	25. Chapter 25

Tager & Kokonoe vs Dr Litchi & Roy

Kokonoe: "Some guy came into my room last night dressed as the devil and said he was going to eat me."

Kokonoe: "I then pointed out to him that all animals with hooves and horns are Herbivores and went back to sleep."

* * *

Jin: "I think I've finally discovered the greatest thing since sliced bread."

Happy Jin vs Sleeping Tsubaki

Jin: "The snooze button."

* * *

Hazama, Ragna & Kokonoe vs Izanami

Miffed Izanami: "It was part of the company's Continued Improvement Policy for us to stick the sign saying 'Think' by the sink."

Angry Izanami: "It was not an excuse to put another with 'Thoap' over the soap dispenser!"

(exit Izanami)

Trollzama & Happy Ragna: "HIGH FIVE!"

* * *

Defeated Evil Tsubaki vs Hazama & Izanami

Tsubaki: "Excuse me, Sir, Your Majesty, I was asked to deliver a message from Ragna The Bloodedge

Happy Battlestance Ragna & Defeated Evil Tsubaki vs Angry Hazama & Izanami

Ragna: "I R in ur base. Killing ur d00ds. U Mad?"

* * *

Kokonoe & Sad Tager vs Es

Kokonoe: "Do you have anything that will fit my boy? He has a large backside!"

* * *

Defeated Kagura: "Syphilis! All I wanted was a Clitoris! Now it's getting really hard to piss!"

(Sung to the tune of _Yesterday_ by _The Beatles_.)

* * *

Battle Stance Jubei vs BS Nine

Nine: "The Wedding vows stated 'Till Death Do Us Part'. So it definitely looks like an easier and much cheaper alternative to Divorce."

* * *

Shocked Izanami vs Angry Makoto

Izanami: "Good Lord, what created such foulness?"

Happy Izanami vs Sad Makoto

Izanami: "Is _this_ product of union betwixt woman and squirrel?"

* * *

Naoto vs Makoto

"Who's that girl there? I wonder what went wrong so that she had to roam the streets."

Naoto vs Angry Makoto

"She don't do major credit cards. I doubt she does receipts."

* * *

Schoolgirl Noel Vs Tager

Tager: "Now not just anything can use a Black Hole as a Wormhole to other parts of The Universe. Due to the forces involved, only objects of great mass can survive."

Angry Schoolgirl Noel & Trollzama Vs Angry Tager

Hazama: "And that's why you gave up your diet."


	26. Chapter 26

Noel: "People in glass houses shouldn't throw what?"

Mu: "Down?"

Lambda: "Parties?"

Nu: "A Tantrum!"

* * *

Happy Jubei vs Angry Kokonoe

Jubei: "Oh Annie! I'm not your daddy!"

* * *

Chibi Noel vs Chibi Kagura

Kagura: Giz a kiss!

Shocked Noel: "Whaaaaaa!?"

Kagura: Giz a kiss!

Dazed Noel vs Happy Kagura

K: "Oh, she's a great snogger!"

* * *

Roy vs Dr Litchi

Roy: "I was in The Samaritans once."

Litchi: "I know. For a day."

Roy: "I couldn't take anymore."

Angry Litchi: "I don't blame you; you spoke to five people and they all committed suicide! I mean, one was a wrong number! He only wanted the cricket scores!"

Roy: "Is it my fault that those people chose that day to jump off buildings? It made the papers, you know. 'Lemming Sunday' they called it."

* * *

Hibiki vs Drunk Kagura

Kagura: "Listen, I'm in a spot of bother. I was wondering if you could come and pick me up."

Hibiki: "Well, where are you?"

Kagura: "On the Bathroom floor."

* * *

Relius & Shifty Carl vs Defeated Tao

Relius: "Well that test was pretty conclusive; cats have one life."

* * *

Dr Litchi vs Angry Izanami

Litchi: "Here we are Mrs Johnson, just take three of these pills twice a day, you'll soon be living again."

* * *

Radio Hazama & NOL Noel vs Defeated Jin

Noel: "Sir, Captain Hazama is on the phone."

Jin: "Kindly tell him that I am currently on the lavatory..."

Angry Radio Hazama & Shocked NOL Noel vs Defeated Jin

Jin: "...and unfortunately I can only deal with one shit at a time!"

* * *

Happy Bang: "The art of the 'Seven Ways Of Going' was mastered by all ninja. Using it, they were able to disguise themselves as anything or anyone."

Sad Bang vs Hazama

Hazama: "We at the office use it to _disguise_ the fact that we never do any work."


	27. Chapter 27

Angry Jubei: "No man! Don't do it! You don't know what she'll do to you! She'll ruin your life!"

(Enter Angry Nine)

Nine: "Jeez, you're making a racket! What are you watching?"

Scared Jubei: "Our wedding!"

* * *

Miffed Makoto vs Sad Noel

Makoto : "I ain't signing this...I _want_ the highway to got through here!"

* * *

Happy Terumi vs Angry Rachel

Terumi: "There was vampire named Mabel. Whose periods were notoriously stable."

Happy Terumi vs Shocked Rachel

Terumi: "So on every Full Moon. She'd dig out a spoon. And drink herself under the table."

* * *

Makoto vs Tsubaki

Makoto: "Look, I know your regiment is called the Zero Wings, but is that really an excuse for telling every criminal you meet that all their base are belong to you?"

Tsu: "I suppose not...How about the shrieking of Ride Of The Valkyries?"

Mak: "Totally unnecessary. "

Angry Tsu: "...bollocks."

* * *

Tsubaki & Jin vs Trollzama

Hazama: "Happy Birthday Jinny-Jin. As it's also Valentine's Day I thought I'd share with you and Tsubaki a nice poem I've written. Goes like this."

Angry Tsu & A Jin vs Trollzama

Hazama: "Roses are Red. Violets are Blue-"

Happy Tsu & H Jin vs Scared Teruzama & Kenshiro

Kenshiro: "Omae wa mo shindeiru."

Terumi: "Nani!?"

* * *

Valkenhayn vs Azrael

Valk: "Now, to play Snooker, all you have do it put your balls in the pockets-n-n-no not those balls you oaf!"

* * *

School Noel, S Tsu & S Makoto vs S Jin

Jin: ""Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Jin: "So from this passage we can determine one thing with absolute certainly."

N, T, M & J vs & Cthulhu-in-a-mining-helmet

Jin: "Cthulhu. Is. In fact. Welsh."

* * *

Nu-13 vs Lambda-11

Nu: "I've just devised a new genre of music. It involves metal guitars, narmy rapping and lyrics to jump off bridges to."

Happy Nu vs Defeated Lambda

Nu: "I think I'll call it Nu metal"

* * *

Hazama, Ragna & Jin vs Makoto & Tsubaki

Makoto: "Okay, next in our missing words round. I made Tsubaki Yayoi...what?"

Happy Jin (& Happybaki): "Breakfast."

Happy Ragna (& Angrybaki): "Cry."

Trollzama (& Shockbaki): "Swallow."


End file.
